After doing even more thinking about what constitutes a good query letter and focusing on the essence of what I want to communicate, I have revised my query letter to the following.
What I Like About This Letter
- The quote in the header: I decided to shift from a quote illustrating the writing style of my book, to a quote from Dr. Ride. I figured her words would carry more import than mine, and that my sample chapters included with my query letter would be adequate examples of my writing style.
- Short: This letter is much shorter, obviously. I tried to keep it under a page and make it even less than that.
- More relevant experience: Instead of covering each of my barely relevant experiences in one line a piece, like in my previous letter, I decided to focus more on my directly applicable experiences.
What I Don't About This Letter
- The messaging of math & science: Although the Onyx Sun series does seem to excite kids about technology, it is less directly apparent how this translates into real math & science education. This link seems a little weak to me, at least until I have the lesson plans I have planned for these subjects available.
--- BEGIN LETTER ---
“Our future lies with today's kids and tomorrow's space exploration.”
- Dr. Sally Ride
Dear (Agent/Editor’s Name):
Somewhere, right now in the world, the first person to walk on Mars is sitting in an elementary school mathematics class. How closely this child pays attention may determine the fate of humanity’s next great steps in space. Yet, with the United States falling far behind other countries in math and science, this child may not be an American.
The Incredible Origins of the Onyx Sun is a young adult, fictional novel I have written to inspire American children to engage in math and science. It follows the adventures of ten-year-old Zack Goodspeed, who discovers his genius-inventor grandfather has secretly built man’s first interstellar spaceship. By stowing away on this ship, Zack is thrust into a journey that lands him on the Moon, throws him into life-threatening situations, and culminates in his saving humanity itself.
I work for the largest educational software publisher in the United States and wrote this book after personally witnessing the educational pandemic affecting our children. Our competitiveness as a nation is threatened by our kids’ ennui with math and science. Unless we can correct this, countries like India and China will set the world’s agenda.
I have woven my experience inspiring kids to learn into this book. I also have a proven ability to sell educational products to teachers and administrators. My connections, coupled with the book’s content, and a national need for educational engagement will make this book a story kids will enjoy and our country can benefit from.
The Incredible Origins of the Onyx Sun is the first book in a series. I am currently working on the sequel, The Wicked Adversaries of the Onyx Sun.
In my research, you have arisen as a quality source for representation of my completed book. I eagerly await your response. I have queried five other agents simultaneously.